Monday, 4/9

I was planning to wake up by alarm at 10 am to force myself to adjust to local time.  Instead, I was up at 7am, not able to sleep, too many thoughts in my head.

I was that this trip I would try to write only positive things, since you never know who might be reading this.  That would be nice.

But this morning I realized that I need an outlet for my thoughts, so they don't just keep circling in my head.  This blog for me is not for show, it's a journal.  Yes, I post photos.  Yes, perhaps it could be interesting to some, just to get a glimpse of a country that they wouldn't normally have a window into.  But, that's not what this is.  This is just me talking about how I feel at this moment on this day.  I have to filter my thoughts enough during the day here, which is hard for me.  I don't want to have to do it when I am alone with my computer, trying to digest everything.  I'm not terribly good at filtering things anyways.

Last night I was talking with a dutch couple that is here visiting their daughter, who married an Albanian man.  I was complaining (I know, it's unpleasant to hear someone complain, but I had to unload.) about my day at my mother-in-law's house.  OK.  I was compaining about my mother-in-law.  This woman asked me why I continued to come here.  I explained that it was important to my husband for my kids to have a relationship with his mother.  (It's important to me, too.  I wouldn't want to come between that.)  So she asked, why I come.  Why not just let them come.  The answer - they need me.  I don't want to leave them unprotected, and I don't want them to have to miss me, just to see her.  So I'm here again.

Yes, I got excited about the trip.  The kids & I were excited together.  I do like Albania.  I do like to travel.  I know his mother gets to me, but I always think I will be able to ignore the things that bother me.  And then I am here.

So....

Complaining about to begin.  Don't read if you don't like complaints.

I am just not used to this level of invasiveness.  In my family, people don't always agree with me, and they may tell me that, but they usually just tell me once.  Sometimes, if they feel strongly about something.  They may bring it up again on different occasions, hoping that maybe I'm more ready to listen.

Here (I say here, because it's actually a cultural thing, not just an individual thing with my mother-in-law) -- oh, nevermind.  I'll be specific to my experience, and not generalize.  My MIL (mother-in-law) will tell me or tell Genci over & over & over again the same thing.  She will chastise and chastise and chastise - about the same thing, as if by repetition she can wear you down and you will do things her way.  It's hard to ignore someone when they're talking directly to you and require you to reply to them.  Even if you explain yourself, give your reasons, you're still going to have to hear it again and again.  And food.  Eat this.  Why haven't you eaten enough today?  Feed the kids eggs.  What?  They kids haven't had anything but oatmeal, byrek and rice today?  Why haven't you given them eggs.  Kids need eggs.  Kids need something that stays with them longer.  What about cheese or milk? Why don't you make them drink milk?  Kids need eggs.  Give your kids something more to eat.  Cheese.  What about cheese.

So, I decide to make eggs.  I get 6 eggs out of the fridge to make scrambled eggs for Nathan and me (Luke didn't want any).  Now she's all upset.  Did I take the wrong eggs?  What did I do wrong?  No, you can't give them so many!  Too many eggs is bad!  How could you want to cook so many?  A doctor told my mother that kids should have no more than 1 egg a day.  (Continue repeating these types of things for 5 minutes.) 

I really just want to be in peace.  I don't like having everything I do or don't do watched and evaluated and commented on, judged, attempted to be changed.  If I were just watching it from a distance, and didn't have to look her in the eye and respond throughout, I could disengage.  I could be like the guys on Mystery Science Theatre that watch bad movies and make stupid jokes to entertain themselves along the way - turn something bad into something good. 

But I have no practice at lying and no desire to develop skills of deception.  Yes, there are things we don't say here, things that wouldn't fly.  In this world (Albania, not life in general), we sometimes alter reality a bit to avoid certain traps.  But...

I don't know.

I'm tired of explaining it.  I guess it is possible to bore oneself.

Last night she told me that I shouldn't have mentioned on the phone to her that the kids were playing piano.  She thinks people (from Albania) listen to the phone conversations.  By saying that the kids were playing piano, I was giving away the impression that we were rich.  The fact that we have a piano (actually, we have a $107 keyboard) means that we have money to throw around, and she wants people to think that we don't have any money.  She is worried that we will be a target for theft.  So please don't say that again on the phone.

Who would have thought that letting your kids' grandmother know that they are playing the piano would be a bad thing? 

I just realized something.

If I made the mistake of telling her that on the phone, that means I did talk to her on the phone.

When we saw her for the first time yesterday, the first time in a year, I kissed her cheeks (the customary greeting) and asked her how she was doing.  Her answer:  you didn't talk to me on the phone once all year!  (Nice to see you too!)  I smiled inside.  Really?  You couldn't wait 5 minutes to start criticizing?

It's true.  I don't talk to her much on the phone.  I have a hard time speaking foreign languages on the phone, without the visual cues, and I find it uncomfortable.  I do it if I have to, but I always wish I didn't have to.  If anyone calls for Genci and he's not there, I do talk to them a little, but I wish I didn't have to and am relieved when the call is over.  In person, I enjoy talking to people.  A smile and body language can make up for imperfections in speech.  On the phone, even if I'm saying some things right, I'm worried about what the next question will be and hoping to get out of the conversation before I get into trouble.  In particular to his mother, every conversation is a minefield.  I never know what will get me into trouble, and later I'll have Genci on me about something I said.  "Why did you tell her that?  She didn't need to know that!"  Better not to answer questions.

So, her complaint was real.

But still...  couldn't it have waited a bit?

I'm tired now.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep.