Monday, April 11, Day 4 in Tirana-quiet morning

I don't really know what to say. I suppose I should have started blogging earlier, before I lost the desire to. I feel a little lost right now, a little bored & stuck. It's been 4-5 days since I really had a sense of what time it is. I just started carrying a cellphone yesterday, which doubles as a watch, but I've gotten used to not having it on me & not knowing what time it is. Of course, I don't know how to use the cell phone. To use it, you have to know how to call someone, which means you need to know their phone number. I do know the number to Genci's mother's house. So I could call her/them (Genci when he's there & I'm out) in an emergency. But basically I'm cut off from the world. I don't even know my number so I can't give it out to my mother (for her mental comfort). And I think I'll be using a different phone today anyways. I'm rambling. I knew I didn't have anything to say. I'm listening to a big bee buzzing nearby, which reminds me of how vulnerable I am here, with my allergy & a questionable health system. Things are going well. The visits with his mother have been fine. She seems well. She just wants us there all the time. All the time. All the time. Or out doing errands for her. She gave us a very hard time the first evening when we wanted to leave & go to bed. We were exhausted. She didn't get it, because she hadn't had enough of us yet. The next day, after being there a few hours, I was heading out to go somewhere (the park?? I don't remember), and she started to complain about how we'd been there for 2 days (it had actually been a total of 24 hours, but... ) and we had only spent 2-3 hours with her. That really got to me, because besides sleeping, showering, and eating breakfast, we had spent every waking moment at her house. Every minute. And she was complaining. And I said as much. I was mad. And I ended up being mad & crying & trying to leave. She did make an apology of sorts, an explanation I guess. She said she just wants to see us so much (because it has been a whole year of her being alone), that she can't get enough of us. I know that. I understand that. But don't complain that we're not there when that's all we are. But we did end that conversation nicely, and I did feel better & she did stop complaining about that. I think the reason why I feel lost right now is that I'm stuck in a kind of limbo. After 3 days mostly at her house & at the market getting stuff that she wants me to get for the kids & playing soccer with the kids in the park/street, I'm kind of done. Bored. I want to do something different, go somewhere, see something. Yet I know today we're just going to do the same thing. It's like we're trapped by her intense need for us. If only she would go somewhere with us. We could take a cab ride (so it wouldn't be tiring) to a nice place somewhere else in the city. We could visit a relative (her relative). Go to the lake. Go to a nice restaurant. But she won't go anywhere with us and she wants us to be with her, so we have to tread water at and around her house. The kids are restless too. They want to go on a visit, to see some of their cousins. The cousins are older than them, but they are kids, so that makes it interesting for them. I do think we will go on a visit this evening. Genci fixed a couple of things at the house yesterday. Today I think he's going to work on the roof. The kids have new shoes and Luke has a new sports jacket, courtesy of Gjushja. I'm supposed to go buy something for our house today (a tablecloth or two). I still feel like I don't speak enough Albanian. I do understand his mother fine. She talks in a very slow, measured way (not for my benefit; that's just how she talks). I haven't taken any pictures yet, except for a couple at the house, because I've had the kids with me all the time. I hold their hands while we walk (for safety as well as closeness). I'm tired. Perhaps I'll have better things to say when I've slept better.