I haven't felt like writing much lately. There's so much to process, but sometimes it's in a form that isn't very pleasant. My feelings have been all over the place the last few days. Sometimes I'm happy, quietly taking in everything that I see around me, enjoying conversations with people at the hostel, getting along with my mother-in-law. Other times I'm frustrated - tired of listening to the same arguements, tired of having to say no to the same things over & over again, tired of watching the effect of stress on my husband. There is more. I don't feel like completing this thought.
I am tired.
I stayed up to 3am last night, talking with other people at the hostel. If I wasn't so tired, I would have stayed up later. We had a very good conversation. I had started the late evening very depressed, but ended it engaged & interested in the world and appreciative of people who think and live and share and make music or art or both. Actually, the people who were up late were Albanians - a woman who works/lives here, and a few friends, and one foreigner (I forget which country he was from). We talked about people and Albania - the traditional roles and beliefs and the more recent ones, and people that are sort of in between worlds.
One of the guys, Ilir, played beautiful Flamenco guitar and other types of guitar - good stuff.
So....
Where am I today?
I don't know.
This is a hard place to be. Between worlds. It's harder for Genci than me, but I feel it too. I mostly feel his conflict. But I do have some of my own too. For me, I like to try to become a part of this world while I'm here. I want to fully experience it. But there are many things about this society that I totally disagree with or find uselessly time consuming, and so I cannot really be a part of it, do not really WANT to be a part of it. I will never be fond of people being constrained to traditional gender roles. I have also never cared much for trying to look super feminine. I don't think people should be judged based on what they wear and find the emphasis on dress and appearances to be tiresome. It doesn't bother me if other people want to dress up, but Albanians don't let people just walk to the beat of their own drummer. They (I think it's OK to generalize here - it's based on many, many incidents with a wide variety of people) feel the need to tell you what to do, what to wear, how to dress your kids - again and again - even if they don't know you, or even if you've had the same conversation with them 5, 10, 20, 100 times. I'm not exaggerating. I find this to be very intrusive. Rude at times. Misplaced concern at other times.
And yet it feels bad to think badly of Albanians, since they are also very warm, loving, caring, attentive. In some ways, the intrusiveness is just the other side of the coin of the loving/attentiveness. It is very pleasant to have people oooh and ahh over your children, or give you a double kiss with a hug and ask about your family members (all of your family members, one by one).
By the way, those of you in my family, you are asked about often. Every time we visit a family member, they ask me how I am, how my husband is, how my kids are (3 separate questions). Then they start into the more extended family. How is my mother? and my father? and my sister? How are my sister's kids doing? Really. They ask about everyone. One by one. And they remember that I have a sister and she has kids. If they are just getting to know me, they will ask how many brothers and sisters I have, and then if my sister has children. Obviously family is very important here. Oh yes, and I'm supposed to say hi to you all, so "Hi!"
So, as you can imagine, that can be endearing. But, I am tired of people noticing my lack of girly shoes (I'm wearing a sneaker/hiking boot type thing) High heels are very popular right now, sometimes very high heels. Genci has noticed how women's ankles wobble a little with every step they take, especially when the heel goes in one of the cracks in the stone sidewalks. Even when we were visiting an old castle in Shkoder, there were plenty of Albanian women out in high heels and dressed very nicely, trying to navigate the cobblestones.
Even by American standards, I dress a little casual and less feminine than most. I haven't mentioned that to people here, though. I guess I'm hoping they'll think it's just an American thing, which mostly it is. But really, should I have to explain myself all the time?
Genci's mother was on me to buy something for myself, a nice shirt, perhaps. I did finally find something that I liked the color of & that looked like it was big enough for me. (A lot of the little shops do not carry more than 1 or 2 of a particular item, and many only have small or medium sizes, mostly small.) I tried it on in the makeshift changing room. It was a 2 part shirt - a loose tank top shaped shirt (in a nice, thick, wintery material), and then a long sleeved matching shirt that goes over it. I have something like it at home. The first shirt was fine. The second was a little bigger than I had hoped, but it was OK, and I was a little chilly and I loved the color (cranberry). As soon as I got it home & tried it on, my mother in law told me that it made me look fat and ugly. She meant well. She pulled it tight from behind so that it pull against my chest and waist and told me that women nowadays show their bodies off, and that only old ladies dress in something loose. It was true, but discouraging. I don't always enjoy having every inch, every curve, ever ounce (or more) of extra fat showing for the world to see, so I have to hold in stomach as I walk and as I talk and feel like I'm on display. Sometimes I like to just be.
I was lucky that the guy took the shirt back. There is sort of a no return policy in a lot of the shops. But it had only been 5 minutes, and he was very kind. I felt bad for him. I wish there was something else I could buy, but all of his stuff was in the same style, and I figured why spend money to still look ugly in everyone's eyes here. I can already do that with what I brought with me. It was pretty depressing. But it was an example of why I have not been able to find any clothes for myself, even though my mother-n-law is pushing me to and I walk through the marketplace 5 times a day. In general, things are just too small or too sexy. And shopping is a very public thing, here. And I feel the need for privacy while I deal with some of these issues. (I suppose writing about them isn't very private, but this is after the fact.)
Anyways.
The big struggle in the last couple of days here is always about stuff. Stuff Genci's mother wants us to bring back with us. I'm tired now, so I'm going to stop writing. But that battle has already begun. We gave a super huge suitcase to fill (at her request), and she has filled it, and then some. I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do with the excess stuff.
The good news is that tomorrow we go home. Soon we will be back to our home, our routine.
I wish Albania was easier, because there are some things I really like about being here. But when people suggest that we live here, all I can think of is - NO WAY! Why would we do that to ourselves? If we could stand time still back home, and I didn't miss work and the kids didn't miss school, I wouldn't mind creating a life here (especially one that was more independent, and shaped to how we like to live). But why give up a life I like (and I do like my life quite a bit), for one where you feel like you're always going against the current, always having to explain yourself, always having to struggle hard to erect what should be a normal, understood boundary around yourself - your personhood, your right to make your own decisions, your right to choose how you want to live.
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